Dating - how do you do that?

I am a solo Mum and have been on my own for over seven years. I have sole custody of my three boys, the youngest being 3 when my marriage ended. The boys Dad chose to live in another country so I have the privilege of parenting 24/7, 365 days of the year.

My initial focus was to care for my kids and to make sure that their emotional needs were met. I had been a stay at home Mum so I had to return to work. And as you can imagine our lives were pretty busy just getting on with life and adjusting to the new routines that went along with it.  I didn't have the time or the energy to think about another relationship.

I miss being with someone. Someone to share the day to day grind with, someone to lean on, someone to listen and cry on if need be, someone to be intimate with. I don't need someone I would like someone. I am capable of running a life on my own, I've done it for the past seven years. I would just like to share it. To be important to someone rather than be the one that is always doing the giving.

As mentioned in my previous post I have been blessed with a child who is challenging to live with. This added to my dilemma in regard to thinking about looking for someone new. I was very aware that if I entered a relationship the new "man" in my life would have to take on my kids full-time as well as inherit a challenging one. All I could see was potential problems so therefore I didn't put my toes in the water to test it out.

Seven years have rolled by, the kids are older, the household dynamics even more challenging and me, well, I have become even more independent. How would a relationship work now? To be brutally honest it scares the living daylights out of me. Have I waited too long?

OK, I thought maybe it was time to at least consider it. What does one do now? I have no idea of where to start. I haven't been on a date in 27 years. I'm no longer the young person willing to take risks, it's not just me on the line. I'm not a social butterfly so you won't see me hanging around at the pub or club.  I can easily catalogue my faults and I come with serious baggage (i.e. three kids). My life just doesn't put me in places in which I could easily meet someone. I'm not what you would consider to be an easy sell.

So here I sit in front of my computer screen with no idea of how to re-enter the world of relationships. I know I won't be the only one but the fear of it all is immense. Do I have the courage, I'm not so sure.

Fence at the top or ambulance at the bottom?

I have spent years trying to build a fence at the edge of the cliff. However it seems that in our society there are only ambulances at the bottom.

I have been blessed with a child that doesn't fit the typical mould. One of those children who will take you to the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. In the scheme of things his issues are not as bad as others. I should know I actually work in a system alongside children like him, their families and educators. However it doesn't make our journey any easier or less tiring. He requires a mountain of emotional energy on a good day as we attempt to navigate daily life. And if it is a not so good day then the tank generally runs dry.

My wish for my children is that they reach their individual potential, whatever that maybe. However sadly of late I have seen this start to slip away. As a Mum I could easily wear the label of "neurotic", but I don't believe I am. I am a Mum who wants the best but does not expect her kids to be something they are not. Don't get me wrong I have had to readjust my expectations along the way but I believe that I am realistic in what I think they are capable of.

We needed some help of some description, my sons needs are beyond the skill set I possess and to be fair my primary role is to be his Mum, not his therapist, social worker, counsellor or friend. So I did what many parents would do I set out to get some.  Boy what a journey we have been on. He didn't seem to "fit" into anybody's system, or be of concern enough. I have rung so many agencies and spoken to a number of people but no one seemed able to truely help. 

Day by day my fears were beginning to be realised - he would hurt someone or hurt himself. I so don't what to be a parent of "that" child but it was starting to look like that.  I kept making phone calls and eventually I got where I thought we should be. The relief was immense, sadly I mistaken. Did they really listen, not really. He was put in a "box"  had been labelled as years ago. A label that I really don't think completely fits but with this label this is the  road we have to travel. 

To my relief someone finally did listen, and we are on a little detour driving along the cliff edge rather than off it. I'm still not convinced that we are headed in the right direction, as there is so much history to undo in his and our learnt behaviours and coping strategies.

The journey so far has given me an even greater level of empathy for those many parents who fight the system daily. It makes me sad that we have to fight so hard to get what we need. Energy that could be used much more beneficially in looking after ourselves and those we care about.

Our journey is far from over so I will continue to build fence and I will not stop. I do not want to be calling the ambulance. My wish is that others would step alongside me to assist with the build.